Snippets of Set Conversation

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Apologies for not putting up a lot of writing lately — I’ve been very busy at work. But if you’re looking for dialogue, sometimes work can be a source of interesting material. Here are some examples of conversations I’ve had or overheard on set lately.

The Conversation That Should Be In a Script About a Serial Killer Because You Can’t Make This Shit Up:

Crew guy I’ve just met an hour ago walks up to me and shows me a picture of himself firing a bow and arrow. 

“Oh, cool, do you compete at archery or something?”

“No, nah, I’m not into that. Just for hunting. I just feel like, when you go hunting with a gun, you have all the advantage. But with a bow and arrow, unless you’re like, shooting from up in the air or something, there’s, like, a chance you could become the prey. So it’s a lot more interesting, you know? And I was into this before the ‘Hunger Games’ or anything.”

The Please Stop Telling Me This Because I Hardly Know You Conversation:

“You remember that job we worked on together? My crew just stabbed me in the back. I never should have trusted them. I mean, I’m not saying I’m the nicest person in the world, but I practically taught them how to do their jobs, I was the one who whipped them into shape, you know? And you should have heard what they said about me. I mean, I don’t care, but he was the one who was always following me around. Then he would do this thing where he would stick his hands in his pants and scratch his balls and then touch me. I mean, I’m not saying he was into me, but it was fucking weird, you know? I’m not gay, I know everyone thinks I am, and I don’t care, but I’m not.” 

The Mostly One-Sided, Awkwardly Trying To Make Conversation Conversation:

“How can you read that? You must have good eyes. Take good care of your eyes. And your teeth. You have good teeth. I just had to have major dental surgery, very expensive. We got paid back for some of it, with the insurance, but not most of it. So yeah, take care of your teeth. (beat) You work in TV?”

The I Don’t Like to Complain, But…:

“This is a pretty nice job. I mean, it sucks that it’s like three hours from my house with all the traffic. But everyone is pretty nice. The actors, he’s super sweet, most of the time, and she’s okay. I mean, she’s not unfriendly, but she doesn’t like to be miked, I know she’s wearing this tight outfit, but it’s been a whole political thing. The wardrobe department, they’re great. Although some of these shirts they’re picking, and they have them wearing these heels, it’s like, don’t they understand that we need to do our jobs too? Did you notice that humming? That’s the transformers, yeah, this stage is the worst — you’ve got this central air that noisy and doesn’t even work. Yeah, can you believe the way they’re lighting this scene? I mean, every one of those lights has a fan in it, I’ve never seen those lights on a film set. This gaffer is a nice guy, but he never talks to me in advance about anything. Not that it’s surprising, I mean, nobody ever thinks about sound. I mean, I love this director, he gets it. But he still keeps shooting these wide and tight shots at the same time, it’s something they got from episodic, I keep telling them we have to do it separately, but you know how it is, I mean, the way we’re treated. But this is a good job, not like this movie I did back in March, now that director, likes to work run-and-gun, wires for everything, it’s like he just doesn’t care…”

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